The Northern Monkey - episode 1

Disclaimer:

i) Before you start to read this, I warn you, I swear a little today, and frankly I couldn't give a flying fuck whether I offend you, either with my colourful use of the English language, or if you happen to be a Northener. If you do feel offended by it, fook off (typed in Northern English, for the amoebas I live among), I don't care, in fact, just get a grip, I'm only taking the piss, and highlighting your deficiencies.
ii) This blog does not apply to my children (75% of which were born up here), as I am trying to teach them to live properly e.g. vote Tory, don't buy knock off goods, and pyjamas are not socially acceptable attire to go to the Co-op* or Tesco* in.

* Other convenience stores and supermarkets are available.


I decided to write this because not a day goes by in my life, either in work, at home or elsewhere in the good old North West of England - that I am not constantly reminded of the fact I was born south of Watford.

Let's be honest about this, it isn't exactly a one way street though - I do manage to take on the Monkeys at their own game, and give as good as I get!

There are some people that like to make fun of my accent -strangely, the Monkeys constantly call me a "Cockney" which goes to show how little they know. I have no claim to being a Cockney, I am originally from darn sarf, Hampshire, Hayling Island to be precise. I would estimate that to be roughly 100 miles away from East London. To put it into perspective for the few Northerners that have the ability to read this blog, that means, to travel an approximate equidistance (look it up - fuckwit) from your enclosure, you would end up in Birmingham, or near the Scottish border! Let's think about this you cloth cap wearing, pigeon fancying buffoons, would you think I was a bit of a tit if I referred to you lot as Geordies, or Brummies? By the way, I have no axe to grind with being referred to as a Cockney, in some ways, I class it as a bit of Care in the Community work when I explain to the smeg heads how the geography works in the great land of ours.

Tomorrow, being Friday, is regularly breakfast day from the chuck wagon down the road from the office. I might like to indulge in a bacon roll. Now I'm pretty sure, that most people south of Warwick (approximation, don't get the hump over the border issues!) would class a bread roll as some form of roundish bread product, not a flat bread (e.g. pitta, chapati), but it can be brown or white (push the boat out and say granary maybe too) and it also could be soft or crusty. We may occasionally refer to a burger bun, or a bap, but generally its a bloody bread roll, job done. The monkeys however, and let's face it, I work in Lancashire, it doesn't get more monkeyfied that that, cannot even agree between them what the sodding bread should be called! It can be referred to as a "barm" a "batch" a "muffin" (yes, muffin is the classic - as far as I am aware, there are three types of muffin.

1. English, oven bottom muffins - the original and still the best. A bit like a bread roll, but denser, more floury, and very scrummy dripping in butter with some pork product hanging out of it.
2. The Yank version - obviously not the original, how the fuck could it be? Americans, as a nation are imbeciles, thick as bricks. Not only do they think they have a right to trample over every country on the planet, as long as they can get at their oil, but they even turn up late to the founding of their country! The native americans are (hang on) Native to the land, then us, the micks, the Italians, hispanics etc etc, build a country for them. You will never meet an American - for they are either Irish American, Italian American, African American, need I go on? I intend to write a blog about yanks one day soon. I ave some good friends who are (Irish) and (Polish) Americans, one is even a judge, but they are all stupid enough to not understand when I am being ironic, or sarcastic to them. Anyway, back to the yank muffin - it is a bloody fairy cake, thats all (which we, the English invented by the way). In super-fit anally obsessive New York City, I have watched someone order a fried muffin (where the nice, semi-crunchy top half is cut off, then a slab (yes a slab) of butter attached to the underside of said top bit, and fried on a griddle - with a skinny fucking latte! I kid you not, they really do make Northerners look intelligent. 
3. The "muffin top" - something which every woman has, (apart from the crack addicts, the anorexic, and the ones who believe they can make it as a star on Hollyoaks) but not one will appreciate you mentioning it to her. Doesn't matter what the hell they say to you about your weight, never, ever mention the fuxking muffin top - take it from me, its just not worth it!

So, how can a Northern Monkey, refer to a bread bloody roll as a muffin? One that I know (a female of the species - and one which I class as a mate), finds it hysterical to ask me (in a pseudo-cockney accent) if I "want a fackin maffin for me brekfist"? Please, understand you northern fools, that a muffin can only be one of the three examples above**!

** Unless its a fucking mule (which is a cross between a horse and a donkey, not a bloody shoe).

Now, the northerners I know who will read this, will undoubtedly say that I play up to this role, and yes I admit I do, its called banter, and I am not easily offended (IF I class you as a friend, then not much is off-limits on the piss taking front, as you will have noticed from the shit I have given you at some point).

There will be further episodes of the Northern Monkey over the coming months, this really is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much for me to have a go at about living up here, it is easy fodder for me. I would also add that I love living up here, apart from the obviously small gene pool in places like Wigan, Rochdale,Oldham etc, it is a good life - if you can cope with having a left wing council, and shit weather!

I hope you find this blog entertaining and would love your comments, good or bad. However, if you want to make a negative comment, or indeed slate us "southern softies", then have the balls (or flaps if you are a lady) to not leave it as an anonymous comment, put your name there for all to see.

Love you
xXx