So, watching Michael Douglas in Falling Down the other night. It made me think of a lot of things that piss me off, not just things either, mainly people. I came to realise there are many cocks in the world, and also many things, that if they were human, would also be cocks.
So, what would be the best thing to do to sort it out, and rid the world of this evil once and for all? You guessed it - buy a big fuck off plane, like that double-decker airbus monkey, and put all the cocks on board for a one-way flight to somewhere shit - no, not Wales, I have a whole other idea for Wales which involves Napalm! Where would be a good place to fly it to. Well, to me, its obviously Antarctica - its bloody cold there, and they would be as far away from us as possible.
Well, there are a hell of a lot of cocks (both human and non-human) who I would put on the plane, so I guess I should mention a few. These will be listed as they come into my head, some piss me off more than others, but each, I believe, are carrying valid boarding cards.
1. Lord Sir Alan Sugar, MBE, CBE, OBE, Master of all that is cock. I think I have listed all his official titles there. What is it with this guy? I take nothing away from him for what he has achieved in business, he saw a gap in a market, and did superbly well with it. He managed to get a seat in the House of Lords for some unbeknown reason, he actually likes to be referred to as Lord Sugar? I'm sorry, I just don't get it. He loves himself on that god awful television programme laughingly called The Apprentice, he loves to belittle people on there (some of them, if not all of them deserve it from what I have seen to be fair), but there is no need to look so smug doing it, like a poor man's Anne Robinson. Lastly, he purports to be a football fan, supporting Tottenham. Fair do's he bought the club some years ago, took it as far as he could and bailed. But now he tweets from the match, and if they aren't winning convincingly, he fucks off home, and tweets as if the team are not deserving of his presence. One word - wanker.
2. Peers Fucking Morgan. Not much to say about this cunt, possibly one of my most unfavourite people on this planet (apart from terrorists, murderers, rapists, child molesters etc). He has made an extremely comfortable living from ruining people's lives. As editor of various newspapers, he exposed more "stories" than you could shake a stick at. Granted, the people he exposed, in general, deserved it. Tossers playing away from their other halves etc. What about actresses who want to go away and get their cans out on a beach somewhere - why shouldn't they be able to do it? Regular women etc can go and get naked on beaches without being plastered all over some red-top. Believe me, I'm the first in line to perv at a nice pair of boobies, all the better if they're famous - but why on earth should people have to be worried about some tosser hiding in bushes trying to get a pic of someone spending time with their family/friends? I'm sure there is a law about voyeurism isn't there? Well, Mr Morgan was right in there at the start when all this sort of shit really kicked off. The story of Wayne Rooney last year, where he shagged some prostitute - who really needed to know about that? Who cares? I'll tell you who cares - Mr & Mrs Rooney, they had a lot of work on their marriage to worry about as it is, instead of having to shy away from cameras, phone calls from the world and his dog. I'm not suggesting for one minute that Morgan had anything to do with that story, but he has published enough of them in the past, one can only imagine how many lives of innocent people he has ruined. The damaged parties in all these stories (e.g. Colleen Rooney) do not deserve to have their washing aired so publicly do they? One word - Wanker.
3. Harry Redknapp. I refuse to write anything more about this cretin, besides to say that one day I truly hope he gets his come-uppance and spends some time at Her Majesty's special hotels. One word - Wanker.
4. People who create computer viruses. I can sort of understand, although not condone, people who create viruses in order to make a load of money from selling information. However, my argument is more about the arseholes who use their undeniable knowledge and talent purely to fuck people over and cause havoc among the good people of the world. Sort your heads out and do some good for the world. Use your brains to create safe, cheap reliable, green energy. One word, many people - Wankers.
5. Bity things. Mosquitos, horseflies, wasps etc. Absolute pains in the arse. I am one of the lucky ones that these little shits love to eat. I've just been bitten by a horsefly, already there is a nice big painful lump on my shoulder - it has ruined my mood. It is itchy, still stinging my shoulder and I am pissed off. What purpose do these things serve? Does anyone know? Its a serious question. I hate spiders, and everybody says spiders are good cbecause they eat all the flies etc. Now in my mind, we get rid of the bugs, there's no need for any of them. I know birds like to eat bugs, but they also like berries and worms etc, so there's no argument there. I won't dwell any further on this subject, but I know you'd want to know what happened to the horsefly that bit me? It is currently spitting like a hog roast in a citronella candle I've just lit, I hope it suffered as I am. Don't give me any friends of the earth bollocks, I am more environmentally conscious than the majority, and am also a great believer in Karma - the horsefly also understands Karma now.
6. Weeds. Again, what purpose do they serve? As far as I'm aware, they grow to kill. They attack the roots of flowers and plants, and suck the life out of them. They look ugly, and generally cause trouble wherever they go. Maybe we should rename all weeds Piers Fucking Morgan?
7. Do-gooders. The idiots that worry about other people's Human Rights. They worry about murderers, rapists, child molesters et al, and try to keep the identities hidden in case they are attacked. Did these criminals think of their victims' human rights? I don't think so do you? These same do-gooders have also in their time changed blackboards to chalkboards, baa baa black sheep has been banished, or coloured green. We have multi-lingual signs in our schools, and aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas for fear of offending someone. Hang on a minute, I'm offended by these things, who the fuck is going to lobby about that eh? I've talked before about St George's day, so I won't rattle on, and I am very much against these poorly disguised rascist political "parties", but we really need to get a grip here and focus on what is important.
Right, that's all I'm going to type for now, I'm bored writing, you're probably bored reading. It may be quite incoherant, I don't know, I haven't read it, I'm just going to publish it.
Love you xXx
